Friday, October 24, 2008

I needed to say this. These.

I needed to get this off my chest for a while already. But before you even bother to continue reading, let me forewarn you that this is going to be a very long winded piece. If you have better things to do, CTRL+F4 please.

One more warning, I will strongly offend a lot of people in this post. For those who have strong connection with God, I urge you to turn away as well.

Done? OK - let's start.

I hate God. I fucking hate God for all the bad things that have happened to me lately. I hate Him for not standing up for me when times are tough. I hate him for probably MAKING times tough for me. And I hate God for my current financial difficulty.

You all know I drive a really old Proton. It's so old that I have decided not take it for the upcoming trip up North, for the fear of killing my friends. I'm so sure that it's going to kill me one day. And for some crazy reason, I feel that one day is inching to me, day by day.

We really cannot afford even a 2nd hand RM40K car, with the new baby coming and the housing loan refinancing and what not. It's really bloody shameful for someone who carries the title of "Manager" to drive an old car like that. Considering all my peers are driving Mercs, BMWs - and the very least, NEW Japanese cars.

Just to kick it in, I made a quick survey and found out that none of the people around me who is around my age, that I know of, drives a Proton Wira anymore. Everyone have upgraded to non local cars, all new. WHY NOT ME! WHY WHY WHY!!! I am so angry. Worked my ass off everyday and have to suffer with this situation.

Here is the most funniest part about all this. All the best stuff I own are subsidized by the company. My Q9h? Last of my flex dollar. The last Dopod 595? Lucky draw. My Creative Zen? Project bonus. The iffy Macbook (or Pro)? 1/2 to be paid by the company (if that's gonna happen at all).

Such a fucking joke. I am so broke that I can't even own anything by my own. Had to leech off the office. Even had to beg, in some cases (MB). My Crumpler backpack? Gift from my wife. HOW COME I AM SUCH A BIG FUCKING LOSER!

Back to hating God - why do You have to bring so much pain into my life. Why do I constantly feel like I need to scratch my skin off my bone, in by inch, EVERY FUCK DAY. Why do I have to, NEED TO, feel bad when everyone stares at dry, cracked, bleeding skill all day long. It's already bad enough that I grew up with all my friends thinking that I am a wierdo but you have to make the pain and embarrassment come back again and again. I only had less than 10 good itch-less years, OKEY?! AND YOU HAD TO TAKE IT AWAY!!!

Why does my son have to fall and have a scar on his skull. WHY PUNISH HIM! Why do You have to make my son lie in a hospital for 4 days, with no food or drink. And why does it have to be 2 weeks away before the cooling off period of his medical card. WHY WHY!

Is it because I bought a Nintendo Wii just one week before and You have to punish me like that? Is that it? YOU WANT REVENGE IS IT! It is so hard to ask for something that I dream off to own as a kid! I DID NOT OWN A GAME CONSOLE UNTIL I AM ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD, OK!!! You happy or not! Other people's 7 year old children are playing PS3 one OK! OKEYYYYYYYYY! WHY NOT PUNISH THEM!

And that is just one example of why I have to work so much more harder for anything in life. Anything that so simple for anyone else to have, seems to take super extra effort for me to materialize. Things that people buy out of whim always seem to be a GABAZILLION miles away from me.

Matter a fact, I am so angry at HIM, that I have stop observing abstinence on Friday anymore. I have never never ever done this in 30 years of my life. Ever. But for the past few Fridays, it has been McDonalds, KFC and Ramli Burger all the way man. I'll show you! GOD DAMN! I WILL EAT WHATEVER FUCKING MEAT I WANT TO - ANY FUCKING TIME!!! BLOW AR!

Punish me all you want - I'll survive. I've had it worst. Just today, I had a Double Cheese Burger, and WHAM! My car broke down in middle of no where, parking in the middle of a parking lot which is abandoned, and it was raining and I twisted my ankle because I stepped into a big hole coz it was so dark that I could not see it. Whatever. I got out of it. I got back home. Punish me all you like, it's not going to make me like You more right now. BUGGER OFF.

That's it. It's not graceful venting, but I had to do it. It's my FUCKING right to do so. If you think I am ungrateful - fuck it. You are probably better off than I am anyway. Don't believe? Tell me what car you drive, what iPod you listen to, what phone you use and how much debt you owe the bank. So sod off.

You want to tell God off about me? Sure, I don't give a god damn rat's ass anymore. Will I still go to church? Lucky You, coz I'm doing it for my wife and kid. DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HATE YOU. Doesn't mean that I don't resent you all the time.

You know, maybe devil worshiping is not such a bad thing after all. At least the Satan's bible teaches you to believe in yourself. Maybe I am well off better on my own anyway. Maybe. Maybe.



刘师奶 said...

Unwrinkle my tired soul
Unsnarl my garbled thoughts and words
Unwind my gnarled nerves
and let me relax in Thee

Dana said...

If there wasn't bad days, then you won't love the good days. That's why marriage life all about, for better and for worst. Like what I believe, god only help those who help themselves you know.

Don't be let down by obstacle in life, walk one small step a day. When it's over and when you look back, you will be glad it was all your effort bring things together, doesn't matter what the outcome was.

NathenNod said...

Thanks for all the nice comments. Am on the road to recovery.